The HEART is the seat if motivation!

Where do I begin this time? Well, let's just say that after a few hours of watching some clips of various thespians who portrayed the Joker on YouTube and fantasizing about what it would be like to play such an articulate, intelligent but at the same time unstable in virtually every sense of the word character while at the same time fusing the mannerisms of the four actors-including a well-known voice actor-who've portrayed this madman. My mind is on many things as you well know. I think about some of the talents that I've been blessed with: drawing (gotta hit the books again seeing that I'm so bleedin' rusty-can't even draw a friggin' stick figure no more), photography, doing some artwork with some computer programs-HDR being a major favourite of mine, troubleshooting some computer problems, writing short stories, my "articulation" with the English lit as bastardized as it is seeing that in some (English speaking) cultures, many words mean either similar or different things, or even both simultaneously. Yeah, that complicated.

Here's my scenario. I work at Henry Ford High School on the west side of Detroit just three blocks south of Southfield, Michigan, a suburb of Detroit in Oakland county. This past month alone was hell, if anyone is ballsy enough to call it such. I've been out of high school for over 15 years and yes, my school years were very uneventful, but unlike kids today in most urban area, we lived to fight another day. My point is that despite a few modern conveniences that have lightened the burden, as it were, the times have changed since my school days and they're worse NOW than they were almost 20 years ago when I started high school. But I'll delve into that later on....

Back to my scenario: I go to work at a job that I used to love very much but not no more! Everyday I go to this hellhole that I work in and bitch about how bad it sucks and me and a few folks I work somewhat long for the old days where being a janitor/custodian/sanitation engineer (or any other BS title society uses to sound so politically correct) used to mean something, you climbed up a ladder, and you had your own building, and you ran it to the best of your ability. I could go on about that, but it's too much water under the bridge at this point in time. There isn't a day that goes by where I'm just waiting to say "@#$% THIS @$%!& JOB, I HATE IT!"

It's just a matter of time before somebody walks out on the job!

I think about the gifts that the true God has given me, and I keep remeinding myself of the same thing(s) that everyone else has been telling me, even the elders have told me, "....you and that job has gotta part ways..." I believe them, but at times I just don't know how to let go as bad as I want to let this go! Next to what I can do, the ONLY thing that's saving my (behind) is that I have over a decade with DPS, and despite being shorthanded, I'm happy to have a job WITH benefits! But we are being worn out and burnt out with doing two or three jobs at the same time and ONLY receiving our regular pay (did I mention previously-either here or on flickr that OT was cut recently?).

Sometimes I feel like B.B. King in his song "Into The Night".

"...I know, I don't have much of a choice,
I'll go out of my mind,
and into the night..."

It seems like when you're at your wits end, all hope is lost, but at the same time, I've actually saw a brighter side to all this-there's a way out of this mess.

But it's up to me find that way out. I've missed many callings these past few years, it's time to listen (and respond) to the next one(s).

As one friend of mine (who's a very devout minister) once told me when I was younger:

The heart is the seat of motivation!

So again, it's up to me to make that first move. Question is how and when...?